


Bad Habits Are Hard To Quit

by tvrres



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Suicide, arizona cheated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29926554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvrres/pseuds/tvrres
Summary: Season 10 ep 2; if Arizona came home not to find that Callie had left but that she had killed herself.
Relationships: Arizona Robbins/Callie Torres
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Bad Habits Are Hard To Quit

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: suicide and depression  
> refresher if you don’t remember this scene/ep   
> It’s the episode after Arizona cheats on Callie. Arizona comes home to find Callie and Sofia missing. I rewrote that scene.

Calliope Torres had always struggled with Depression. During Med-School she tried to kill herself. But no one knew that. _No one_. Mark hadn’t even known. But, she survived. She was tough. She met a Pediatric surgeon. She married said Pediatric surgeon. She was happy and let her past go.

But bad habits can be hard to quit.

Even if it had been nearly ten years since her last attempt she couldn’t say, honestly, truly, that she hadn’t had thoughts. But Arizona would always appear, in moments like these, blue eyes shining, to hold her. To love her. 

When she found out Arizona cheated on her, she… Well she was shattered. She felt numb, but the kind of numbing that made you feel weak. 

She came home, before Arizona. Her shift at the hospital was long and tiring and she wanted to sleep in her bed. Hell, who was she kidding? She needed to get away from _her_. 

She wanted to shower. To wash away the events that had happened in just twenty four hours. She wanted to dance in her underwear without a thought or care in the world. But she couldn’t. How was she supposed to dance when her heart felt too heavy to even take two steps? 

She stared at herself in the mirror. The reflection mocked her. Perhaps, she stared too long. Perhaps, she knew what she was going to do the second she decided to come home. Deep down, maybe, she had planned on doing this. 

What would be the point of holding on, when the weight of betrayal fell too heavily on her shoulders? 

She slowly, timidly, opened the medicine cabinet. 

Arizona's unfaithfulness. Her deceit. Is what pushed Calliope Torres over the edge, but it wasn’t the complete reason she was here, standing before herself, a handful of fatal pills at the ready. Callie had been struggling for years now, and it was only a matter of time that she would be here, looking death in the eyes. 

She knew Arizona would blame herself. And part of Callie wanted her too, the twisted, angry side of her did. But the side of Torres that loved Arizona. That felt a kind of sticky sweet happiness around Arizona didn’t want to lay to rest with the idea of Arizona drowning in guilt. 

So she wrote a letter. Cliche, I know. But she didn’t know how else to go about it. It’s not everyday you’re met with how to handle a suicide letter. 

_Arizona Robbins._

_As much as I want to hate you right now. As much as I want to get a divorce and move away, away from you and Seattle. I can’t because I love you and I know I always will. No matter how much you hurt me. No matter how much you leave me battered and bruised. No matter how many times you walk away. I know I will always love you. Which is why I have to leave in a way that will make it so I can’t turn around. If I stay here. If I stay with you, I will be broken. I will be left in the shell of what once was Calliope Iphegenia Torres. I don’t want that. I hate the idea of being so… So deeply immersed with love that I can’t even see I’m not the person I’m supposed to be. I’m going to tell you something that nobody knows. Mark didn’t. George didn’t. My parents didn’t, but you will. I tried to kill myself in med-school. I got better, and I met you. I met the love of my life. As I sit here, preparing myself for what’s to come, I know that this was my fate. No matter what, this was always going to be the way my story ends. Nothing you could’ve said or done would change this. I love you so deeply Arizona Robbins, which is why I’m doing this now. I’m going to be honest, you hurt me. You were the breaking point, but I want to thank you for that Arizona. Was hanging on by a thread and it was exhausting, thank you for cutting the thread. All I want is to hold you in my arms. To kiss your forehead. To tuck those extra strands of hair behind your ear. To love you one last time.  
I’m going to be dancing with Mark in the stars, thinking of you. Loving you from afar. _

_Much love, nearly too much love, Calliope._

She folded it, neatly. Placing it delicately outside of the bathroom door. Closing the door, making sure she heard the clear click of the lock. 

She swallowed those pills. She finally came to terms with the fact that the only life that she would ever feel appreciated was the one she created in her head. Finally realizing, she would always love others more than they could ever love her. And those thoughts made her choke more than the pills. 

She laid there, alone and cold, on the white tile which was quickly stained red from the blood that spilt from her head, she had hit on the floor. Leaving a trace of Calliope Torres for years to come.

Arizona opened the door to her apartment, it was quiet. It felt too quiet. Callies coat was draped over a chair, still damp with the rain. 

“Callie?” Arizona called, her heart felt uneasy. Something felt wrong. 

“Callie?” She shouted across the apartment. 

The door to their bedroom creaked open, the lights were dimmed but there was lighting peeking out of the cracks of the bathroom door. 

“CALLIOPE” Arizona hit the door with her palm, screaming her name. Something felt wrong. Something was wrong. 

Her foot hit the letter, it brushed against her skin. 

Arizona glanced down, noting Calliopes flourishing handwriting printed on the front of the folded piece of paper. 

She glanced up at the door again, before picking the paper up. 

Flipping the paper open, she read. She read and with every passing word she read, her heart rate would get faster. Picking up speed. 

“CALLIOPE.” She yelled as she shoved the paper in her pocket, she forced her tears not to fall. No, she couldn’t lose hope. She had to be level-headed. 

“CALLIE PLEASE” She screamed, her voice already felt raw.

She tried to slam her shoulder into the wooden door but she was practically balanced on one leg so it was proving harder to do.

Tears pricked at her ducts. 

Her hands shakingly reached for her phone, dialing 911. 

She spoke to Callie through the door, hoping, praying, she was still awake, still alive enough to hear her words.  
“Callie…” Her voice was tired and airy as she reread the letter.

_Loving you from afar_

_Thank you for cutting the thread_

_If I stay here. If I stay with you, I will be broken._

_I’m going to be dancing with Mark in the stars, thinking of you._

The paramedics banged on the door. Arizona felt too tired to stand, to leave Callie. 

“Over here” She called, her voice sounded broken and exhausted. 

She managed to get up so they could open the door.

She held her breath. 

In your intern years they tell you to _hope for the best, prepare for the worst_ but they didn’t tell you preparing for the worst was a lot harder than it sounded. Arizona couldn’t prepare herself for the worst. She couldn’t prepare herself to see her wife, dead, on the bathroom floor. 

The door swung open with a thud, hitting the wall at its hinges. 

Arizona rushed into the bathroom before the paramedics could.

She cupped Callies face in her hands. Her cheeks were cold and sunken. Her eyes were open but they weren’t _Callies_ eyes. No, Calliope's eyes were full of life. Full of joy and pride. Full of strength. Full of love. These eyes were blank and glassed over. They were dull and dejected. 

She was gone, anyone could see that. 

“Callie…” Arizona's voice fell quiet. Nearly silent. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so, so sorry. Calliope.” She whispered, pressing her forehead against Callies. 

_All I want is to hold you in my arms. To kiss your forehead. To tuck those extra strands of hair behind your ear._

She scooped Callie in her arms, cradling her in her arms. Holding her close. Arizona's tears fell into Callies raven dark hair as she kissed her forehead, she tucked the strands that fell in front of her eyes behind her ear. 

_Calliope Torres  
1974-2013_


End file.
